I was not made for this
by TMI Fairy
Summary: In the Grey Havens Cirdan looks upon a grief stricken group on the quay. A young elleth with a broken heart is saying her farewells.
1. Chapter 1

100 FA, quay, Grey Havens, Lindon

I was not made for this, Tinuleg thought for the time unnumbered. She hugged her husband, her children of both sexes, her grandchildren and unashamedly let her tears roll. The men folk gritted their teeth in a manly manner, letting the tears flow and disappear into their beards while her daughters were as red faced and puffy eyed as herself. The grandchildren wept out of companionship as everybody was crying.

Tinuleg and Kolbrandr had met barely thirty years ago. She, an elleth of the now restored Greatwood, had decided to accompany her relatives on the road to the Uttermost West. Although not as world weary as them, being only fifteen hundred years old, she chose this path as their departure would have left her without company and bored.

As theirs had been, by pure chance, a particularly elleth heavy group, the King of the Edain Elessar had lent them additional protection, a troop of mercenary cavalry drawn from the Rohirrim and Beornings. One of the Men, Kolbrandr, had captivated Tinuleg's heart by his zest for life. Unlike all the ellyn she had known he did not sing of days past, of the glory of yesterday, of ruins never to be rebuild. The Beorning was enthusiastic about what he was going to do once his service to the King was over, of the house he was to build, of the family he was to raise, of what he would teach his sons, of what sort of future he would seek to provide for his daughters.

As the other elves embarked for the Undying Lands Tinuleg had stayed behind to dance with Kolbrandr under the moonlight. There, on the meadows of Lindon, they had sworn their hearts before Tilion, the moon's Steersman. They had lived a happy life, raising four children - out of six begettings - to adulthood.

But she was not made to endure her mate wither and die. Tinuleg hated herself for this but she could not stand the sight of Kolbrandr balding, wrinkled and with almost half his teeth remaining. It was not his appearance as such which pained her, she'd still love him bald, limited by tooth loss to eating gruel only and not always making it to the privy in time, but it was the thought that Kolbrandr could die on her any minute that she could not stand to bear. Tinuleg wanted to remember him while - when looking at him - she still could easily envision the handsome man with a mane of brown hair, with the toothy smile he flashed whenever he set eyes on her.

Leaving Kolbrandr now was for the better. This spared her the sight of her husband, children, grandchildren all dying before her. She'd cherish and cry over her memories while her heart slowly mended at Valinor.

Looking over the stern at the group at the end of the quay, half-seeing them through her tear-filled eyes, Tinuleg envied Arwen the Gift of the Edain she had been given. Grieving over dead mates was not something elves were made for.

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AN:

To quote an article I once read, "the Valar made up shit as they went along" in regard to children of Elf-Man unions. The choice - Elf or Man - was given to Elrond and Elros, their parents, and Elrond's children. Nothing was said of the others, with the princely family of Dol Amroth evidently being "Race of Man". So the children of Tinuleg and Kolbrandr are mortal.


	2. Please go

It took Kolbrandr all his manly pride not to breakdown into a snotty sobbing fit but just let his tears run down his cheecks. And at his age too! And that was the core of the problem – age.

When marrying Tinuelg they both knew that she was immortal and he was not. But knowing and then _living_ this turned out to be two different things. While he aged she remained unchanged. The same perfect beauty as she had been when they had met. Not a wrinkle. Not a single grey hair. Not even a crease in the corners of her eyes or mouth to show that she liked to smile. Perfect teeth, still capable of gnawing through a bone. While he aged in the manner of the Race of Men.

This was _not_ natural. Had both their bodies deteriorated with age then they would had faced aging together. But they could not. This difference between their bodies pushed them apart regardless of their love. Kolbrandr could see that that Tinuleg was on a constant death vigil over him. And that this was tearing her apart, making her an emotional wreck. Proof enough that indeed elves were not made to see their spouses fall sick and die.

Her anguish was torment for him just as well. She was unhappy, which made him unhappy. Furthermore he felt ashamed of his aging, failing body. It would indeed be better for her to go and remember him as he was now, remembering him as he had been, and not knowing what inevitably he was to be – a bald, toothless, bedridden cripple. Having a stroke and dropping dead as he stood now would be better than that, he thought.

And they had to think of the children ... the nerve wrecking deathwatch Tinuleg was going through with him would then be repeated with every of their children, with every of their grandchildren, and so on and so forth. It would too much for her to bear. If she was not made to endure the death of spouse she was even less equipped to bury her children. She had to go to the elven place before she went insane. And dragging her descendants into heartbreak and madness as well. Best to make Tinuleg keep images and memories of everybody being alive, allowing her to pretend that they were still alive and not dust on the wind. The children and grandchildren would also remember her as she was now – beautiful, radiant, kind – and not a jumpy nervous wreck putting everybody on edge. Knowing that she was happy – as happy as she could be in the circumstances – in Valinor would make his old age and death easier to bear. He hugged his wife for the last time and hoarsely whispered "_go_" into her delicately pointed ear.

* * *

AN:

Second chapter, with _his_ version, added upon Auset's Tears request


End file.
